when did I fall in love?
by Liluye-Tiva
Summary: set during new moon, Jake and Bella spend lots of time together, but she still holds on to Edward a lot. It's my version of how new moon would have gone on if it hadn't been for Alice's vision. Read & Review!
1. Chapter 2

I had just come home from another Sunday in the garage with Jacob. My personal sun. I felt slightly guilty because it was way after dinner time and I had left Charlie to fend for himself – clearly a bad thing, assuming Charlie's health mattered to him and myself. How he had survived without a helping hand in the kitchen was still a mystery to me. Probably pizzas over pizzas. Like this evening. He grinned at me when I got home. I realized that I was still grinning over the afternoon. It was so simple and assuring to be with Jake. The moment I left him was the moment I started missing him. It was also the moment the hole in my chest started throbbing again. Right now it was just a faint tugging around the edges, but it was sure to burst open once I lay in my bed.

Charlie asked me casual questions about my afternoon. He still didn't trust my recovery and he had no idea how right he was. I was nowhere near to being healed. I sat with him for a while and smalltalked. I even watched some TV with him, something I rarely ever did. It wasn't exactly entertaining, but way better than what awaited me upstairs.  
But I couldn't delay it much longer. So I excused myself and went to my room. I took my time in the bathroom, brushing my teeth extra-clean and taking and extra-long shower. The hole got bigger as time went on.

I knew what would happen now. I'd lie down; I'd try to think about Jake, because that didn't hurt. But my mind would wander. The way it always did. And I was right.

The moment I closed my eyes the hole tore open, with all menace it had. It was like retribution for the painless time with Jacob. Maybe it just felt so much stronger. I cried myself to sleep. And I had my usual nightmare. The nothingness was the most horrifying thing in my life. Tonight, like all other nights, I woke up screaming. In good luck the scream hat been muffled by my pillow.

Monday morning was like any other Monday morning. I drove to school, a little too early, but obviously just in time for Mike to pull in next to me.

"Hey Bella!" he greeted me. I smiled at him. He had, unlike some others, accepted me back without holding a grudge against me. I was kinda thankful for it, but not as much as he hoped.

"Hey Mike!" We had Calculus together first thing.

"There's no better way to start the week than with a calculus class!" he said, grinning widely.

"Mike, did you hit your head very hard this weekend?" I asked, teasing.

He laughed at my joke like it was the funniest thing in the world. Honestly, I liked Mike well enough; it was just so annoying to have him drool over me like that all the time. When would he accept a no for a no?

The rest of the day was dull. Lunchtime was the usual, Jessica ignored me the best she could. I don't know if it had something to do with the way Mike treated me. I came up empty. Maybe it was just the way I had acted before Jacob gave me some of my life back.

Mike and some others had plans to go to Port Angeles Tuesday evening, but I was going to see Jake and I wouldn't have traded that for a thing – well one thing, or rather person maybe. But I couldn't allow myself to think about him. I told them I was sorry and that another day I'd love to come. Which wasn't even much of a lie. I was kinda intrigued by going to Port Angeles, attempting myself at a normal teenage afternoon.

So Tuesday I sat next to Jake on the small sofa in his living room. Billy was at Charlie's watching some ball game. Ever since that day in the clearing, the baseball match they – no! Stop right there! I told myself. Jacob eyed me warily. I wondered what kind of expression I had on my face. I worked on a smile.

"What's wrong, Bella?" he asked me, unimpressed by my try in feigning a smile.

"It's nothing Jake. I was just thinking." Pause. Stop. Right there. I had to change the topic before it got out of hand too much. "So, what's the plan tonight?"

He still watched me curiously, but obviously decided to let it drop. "Sam and the others are making a bonfire. Nothing big you know. No official meeting or so. Just friends hanging out. Maybe we could go."

"Sounds cool!" And this time my smile was genuine. He seemed pleased enough as he got up and pulled me after him. I giggled and I didn't know why. I liked the way his hand felt around mine, though I would never openly admit that. I didn't even want to permit myself to feel the pleasure. I don't know whether he was really oblivious to my response to his hand around mine or if he just played it down. Anyhow I was glad that he let it be for now.

The bonfire was already underway when we arrived. Even though it was anything but late it was already dark and chilly. The wind that hit me in the face when I got out of Jake's rabbit was bitter cold. Maybe it just felt that way because it was really warm whenever Jake was around. Werewolves...

I went to stand by the fire. Quil winked at me and Jake hit him over the head. I had to laugh. Emily came to greet me. I felt like I belonged. Nobody treated me funny here, not like in school. Jokes on my account were the friends-teasing type, nothing mean.  
Emily and I talked a little about meaningless things. It felt good. Normal. Easy. We eventually sat down on a fallen tree. Jacob sat down beside me, but he didn't participate in the discussion. He had his arm around my shoulder. It felt better than I liked. Not only because it was warm, but also-and mostly because it felt safe. And comfortable, just a little more than it should have been.  
I ignored the feeling as good as I could, and it wasn't that hard with Emily there. But after about twenty minutes Sam called her and she went to him. When I looked around I saw Quil, Embry, Jared and Paul a little way down on the beach chasing after each other. Sam and Emily stood silently in the shadow of a tree and it didn't seem like they were gonna move anytime soon. Apart from them we were the only ones around.  
I was suddenly very much aware of Jacobs arm around me.  
And his husky smell.  
When I turned to look up at him he was looking at the sky. He must have felt my movement because he bent his head down.  
"Are you having fun?" he asked, grinning my personal-sun smile.  
"Yeah! It's cool. Emily is nice." I answered, trying to lighten the talk. It didn't work.  
"Mmh!" he said.

It was out of character for him to talk so little. He must have been thinking hard about something. Again his head turned to the sky. I looked up too. Tonight must be a very rare thing, I thought to myself. Because the sky was powdered in stars. It was unbelievably beautiful. Back in Phoenix I never saw so many stars, because of the city lights. But there being no clouds also meant that it was cold. And the fire wasn't as high as when we had arrived. I shuddered a little and instinctly crawled closer to Jake. I leaned my head against his shoulder. I wanted to stay here. Because when he'd stop holding me together the hole would come back with full force. But I couldn't bring myself to worry about that too much now. I felt his heart beating, maybe a little faster than it should, but he was calm on the outside. With his free hand he lightly touched my cheek, but didn't say anything.

Suddenly though he got up and nearly knocked me over in the process. "It's getting late. I should bring you home. The game is over and Charlie is gonna wonder where you are."

I nodded, not quite sure to what I was agreeing. It felt too much like suddenly waking up from a nice dream. When we sat in the Rabbit I couldn't help but think about dreams. Not nice ones. The closer we got to my house, the edgier I got. Jacob noticed. "You allright?" he asked.

"Sure sure." I answered, too fast.

He pulled up in front of my house, behind Charlie's cruiser. Neither of use moved. I didn't want to go out of the car, to go to my empty bed, to the nothingness of my dreams. I wanted to stay with Jake. Badly.  
"Bella, I know something's wrong. And I guess I know what it is. But it has been almost half a year." I flinched. "But you are holding on with too much of you. Try to let go. Just a little. You know I'll be there to catch you, should you fall. You can always count on me." He made a little pause. He had no idea what he was talking about. No idea of the painful hole in my chest. He didn't know my nightmares. How it hurt to be reminded of _him_.

I said nothing; I didn't know what to say. I was wretched. He sighted. Just when I was about to get out from the car our front door opened and out came Charlie and Billy. Laughing. I swear they were too much like gossip ladies for their own good. Charlie wheeled Billy to Jake's side of the door. The tension was forgotten. He shrugged at me, smiled a little and got out. I followed and went to stand next to him.

I think Charlie was very pleased with the two of us spending so much time together. Also on school nights, he didn't object.

"Hey kids!" Billy almost shouted. Jacob eyed him carefully. "You'll never guess." The look in his eyes, dublicated by Charlie, very much resembled the look little children got on Christmas, seeing a pile of presents to tear open.

"What?" I asked, truely wondering what would set them in such a good mood.

"Billy here and I are going to..." Charlie began, dragging the last word like announcing a real big thing.

"What dad?" Jacob and I asked in unison.

"...to the ball game they are having in Seattle this Friday. It's all booked. Hotel rooms for the night, most importantly tickets for the game. We'll be leaving Friday afternoon and we'll be back somewhen Saturday night." Billy finished Charlie's sentence.

"What?" Jacob and I asked again, at the same time.

Charlie's face sobered up that instant.

"You're gonna be okay, I mean, alone?" he asked me.

"Sure sure!" I quickly said. "You go ahead and enjoy yourselves!" It was gonna be awful, no question, but well, not that bad. Charlie had deserved this. I hadn't seen him this elated in forever. Actually I think I have never seen him like this before... and so this had to be a good thing for him. I would survive a solitary little night.  
Without even noticing it I had stepped closer to Jake, leaning to his side. His hand was loosely at my waist. Charlie grinned widely at that.

"Jake could keep you company!" Billy said. Charlie nodded in agreement. I never saw that coming. I looked up at Jake who looked down on me. "Would you like that?" He asked me, grinning impishly.

I – like Charlie – just nodded. Wow. Was that a good or a bad thing?

Charlie looked at Jacob for a moment. A very stern expression on his face. "Just don't get any funny ideas boy." He warned him.

Jake just said: "Okay, chief!"

So when I lay in my bed that night, it was not the nightmares that came straight away. Other thoughts swarmed around in my head. I was gonna spend a whole night alone with Jake. Addicted as I was, i was sure this was no good idea. And it was gonna give Jake wrong ideas. I knew friendship was not what was on his mind all the time and here I was, selfishly claiming him when I couldn't be his. I was such a rotten person. And I couldn't bring myself to say no.  
It had been too much time since I last spent a night in company, other than my dad loudly snoring in the room next to me. I couldn't bear to think of that, it hurt so much.  
And then I heared Jacob's voice in my head: _"Try to let go. Just a little." _And I with an unexpected force I suddendly wished I could. I wanted to let go. I wanted to be able to say _his_ name without the hole threating to burst open. I wanted to be able to be with Jake without feeling like a traitor. It was not me who left. _He_ left. _I _know I shouldn't still care so much. That I should be able to open my heart to someone else. I wanted to run and I wanted to break something. I laughed; I wasn't usually a violent person. And yet here I was, with the strongest impluse to burst from my room, run into the woods and scream at the nothingness to back off. My heart raced with adrenaline, that I didn't know where it came from. Who did _he_ think he was? Arrogant bloody vampire!

And even while thinking that thought I knew I'd never fully accept that to be true. So what if he left me? So what if there were distractions? So what if he never came back?  
The adrenaline left my system. It was like it evaporated. I was left with nothing. No not entirely. There was a new feeling in my chest. It was faint. But it was there: Anger.


	2. Chapter 3

It was Friday morning before I even had time to blink. One part of me was jubilant. The other was reluctant. Because I still hadn't been able to figure out whether it was a good thing to be spending time alone with Jake.

In the morning Charlie was unusually chatty. He had taken the week-end off from work. I guessed this had to be a first.  
"Morning kid!" he greeted me as I came down the stairs. He had put out a bowl, Cheerios and a can of milk for me. How weird.

"Morning dad! Thanks for the breakfast!" I said while I sat down to eat a little.

"Not a thing. You sure this is all right with you?" he asked, not looking at me.

"Hmm?" I asked, not sure which part of "this" he was talking about.

"I mean, me leaving. And Jake coming over." He said. He was cleaning his own breakfast plate and did it very thoroughly.

"Sure sure!" I answered automatically. I had picked that up from Jake and it didn't seem like I was gonna get rid of it anytime soon.

"Just..." he mumbled. He glimpsed at me and I saw that he had flushed a delicate pink. Oh my, what was going to come now? "Just, please Bella. Don't let him talk you into something. Okay? I know you like him as a friend. But I think it's more with him..."

I stared at Charlie. Where did that come from? It didn't sound very Charlie-like. "Dad!" I finally managed to say.

"Only do what you also want to do. Okay?" he asked, talking to the plate he was still scrubbing.

It's not like this train of thought hadn't occurred to me, in fact it had kept me awake for the last couple of nights, but coming from Charlie, it sounded ... it sounded _normal_. Like an everyday teenage relationship. Downright normal. It stuck me that it really was entirely possible for Jake and me to get involved that way. There was no need to be physically apart because Jacob didn't need to fight the urge to kill me when kissing me, because it wasn't there in the first place. Of course I had known this, but I hadn't seen it this clearly. Normal...

"Dad, it's not like that." I flushed also as I spoke. "Jacob knows how I feel about him. He accepts that."

I saw Charlie shrug. "He's still only a man, Bella."

Yes. A little werewolf too, but mainly man. Human. "Okay, dad. I gotta go!" I hurriedly said. "Have fun with Billy and Harry tonight!" I pecked him on the cheek and ran for the door.

What a weird way to start a day. It didn't really get better because Mike was his usual self during English and biology.  
I managed to catch up with Angela before Mike caught up with me, and we were talking about our plans tonight.

"So Ben and I are going to see a movie. Some action movie. I keep on forgetting the title. He swears that I'm gonna love it." She grinned. "Well, as long as he's there I guess it'll be all right."

Angela was still happy with Ben. I was glad for that, because she really did deserve it. "So what are your plans?" she asked me.

I flushed a bright red. No idea why that was, maybe because of the talk I had with Charlie in the morning. "Pyjama party." I mumbled.

She eyed me, grinning a little. "Special party, ey? Who's coming?" she winked at me.

"Jacob Black." I still mumbled.

"But you keep telling me he's just a friend." She stated.

I only nodded.

That was when realization hit her. "Oh, you think this might change tonight?"

I nodded again.

"I hope this works out for you! It's time you move on!" she said, just before Mike attacked us from behind.

"MIKE!" we exclaimed both. He chuckled and asked what we had been talking about.

I shot Angela a look, she smiled slightly at me. "I just told Bella that Ben and I were going to go to the movies tonight."

"Cool thing. And what are you up to?" he asked me.

"I'll stay at home tonight." I answered.

Jessica saved me from the necessity to go into more details as she started dragging Mike away because she needed to show him something. I was very thankful even though this was probably not the emotion Jessica had intended to provoke in me.

I had the feeling that someone had sped up time. Faster than I thought possible I found myself at home, preparing dinner. Not for Charlie and me but for Jake and me. I was halfway through when I heard a knock on the door. My heart sped up for no good reason and I told myself to calm down. It didn't work. When I opened the door, Jake stood there. He wore a pair of Jeans, a little torn, a black shirt, his hair was shaggy, not long as it had been before, but longer than when he found out he was a werewolf. I took in his beautiful skin, his smell and then I looked up at his face to see my smile there. He carried a little bag.

"Comon in!" I finally said.

"Here, I brought some DVDs for us to watch."

After dinner (Jacob's comment: "I really could get used to this!" while patting his fully stomach) we sat on our sofa, watching a DVD. I couldn't tell what it was because I was very much preoccupied with Jacob's arm around my shoulder. I thought about what Charlie had said this morning, about Jake being the one who'd talk me into doing stuff I didn't want. It didn't occur to him that I might be the one doing things he didn't want me to be up to. Maybe he thought there was too much of the zombie left in me to think about things like this.

But ever since some of the hurt had been replaced by anger, not enough to hate _him, _but still anger for him because he left me, the hole had ever so slightly ceased to rip at my chest so hard. It wasn't anywhere near to going away and I wondered if I'd ever be really free from it. But it certainly was a start. Or so I told myself.

Right now, right here, next to Jake I felt whole. I could breathe without difficulty.

But there was one thing that bothered me: Jacob was his usual self. He didn't once put his hand anywhere on my body where he wouldn't put it on another occasion. He didn't react when I snuggled closer to him.

Finally, frustrated and feeling sheepish about myself I told him I had to go to the bathroom. He just nodded and told me to not get lost on the way.

I closed the door behind me and stood in front of the mirror for what seemed ages. I looked tired. I didn't feel tired though, just jazzed. Was I the only one thinking that this night was something special? Did he think nothing of it?

I stripped off my clothes and got under the shower. I let the warm water relax my muscles for a while and used my rose-shower-gel and shampoo. When I got out I brushed my teeth and blow-dried my hair. I put on a pair of pyjamas that were relatively new and plain. Still... they were black and the top was only a tank top. Back in Phoenix I didn't think much of wearing tank tops, here in Forks where the whether was always cold it was slightly more exposing.

I made sure I looked presentable and went back down. Only Jake wasn't there anymore. I called for him and when I got panicky I heard him laugh. The sound came from my room. My heart sped up a hundred miles.

He had his back to the door and went through the books on my shelf. "Hey!" I said.

He didn't jump like I would have. He had probably heard me anyway with his new, sensitive hearing. "Found anything you like?" I asked him, teasing.

He turned around to look at me. "Yes." He simply said. It reminded me of Tuesday, when he had been thinking. My stomach suddenly vanished. Instead there were thousands of butterflies, turning my insides up and down. My heart sped up and judging by the heat in my face I probably flushed a bright scarlet. I still didn't know why I responded to him like this lately. It felt so out of place and I didn't know what to do.

"So? Have you made up your mind?" he asked me out of the blue.

"About what?" I managed to ask back, though I could guess the answer.

"About what I said last Tuesday. About letting go." He watched me carefully.

AAAAAAAHHHHHH!! I wanted to scream and run. I did move. Closed the distance between us. I looked up at him and put my arms around his neck. I wasn't expecting his reaction. He pulled me closer, one arm around my waist and with the other he held my face. His thumb traced a circle on my cheek and his other fingers waved themselves through my hair. He brought his lips to other ear and kissed me there. I shivered. I felt him smile against the side of my face and tried to turn around, but he didn't let me.

I was completely lost in him, his mouth traveled my jaw line to my mouth and then his lips crushed on mine. It felt – literaly – like nothing I have ever felt before. He was so warm, he was nowhere close to gentle, not that I objected that and the way his lips moved with mine was so incredible. If only this didn't remind me of the only other type of kisses I had ever gotten from someone outside the family. SO instead of thinking of _that_ I pulled him closer to me. I opened my mouth, letting my toungue travel over his lips. He didn't need no further hint. The hand that had been around my waist was all at once under my shirt. I felt his hot hand travel over my backside and I felt the sudden urge to get him out of his shirt. I pulled away from the kiss and started remove his shirt. He willingly obliged. I let my hands wander over his broad chest, so warm and stopped over his heart. I felt it rappidly beating and I found myself liking that very much. It was nothing like it hat been with _him._

Once more i put my hand behind his neck and tried to pull him towards me. He wouldn't let me. Instead he sighed and went to sit on the edge of my bed. Let him have his way I thought and went to sit beside him.

"Bella." He said, it was not more than a whisper. There was something about the tone that I didn't like. "You are not over it."

It felt like he had slapped me. Because he was right and he knew it.

"Jake, I want this. I want you." I murmured, eyes on the floor.

"I believe you, Bella." He said, putting one hand under my chin, forcing me to look at him. "It's just, I don't think you are ready. I feel it. The way you hesistate at the beginning of a kiss, the way your hand lingers on my heart. You know want you and stopping here is not easy right now."

"Then let's not stop" I begged. I was horrified at what he had said. He picked up so much about me without even knowing. Or no- that was wrong, he knew much more than he said.

"Bella, don't force me to do this. I know it will hurt you." He said, a pleading tone in his voice.

"Do what?"

"I see what it does to you when something reminds you of him. I can watch you hugging your chest, like you're holding yourself together. I can see you flinching when someone says a certain thing. What do you think would happen when I said his name now?" he asked, pity all over his face.

I winced. He heard it and shook his head slowly.

"You know, it's okay." He said, pulling me into a hug, a friendly hug. Too friendly for my liking. I wanted to be distracted. "We've got time."


	3. Chapter 4

Chapter 3

Jacob's point of view:

I couldn't believe she was kissing me like this. It was better than my dreams, and I did dream – a lot. The way she shivered when my mouth touched her earlobe – astonishing. Only it wasn't what I wanted – not really. Because her body was part of the deal, but not everything. I wanted her. Everything of her, I wanted her to be mine, with her mind, heart, body and soul. Now I know she loved that bloodsucker. Damn him. I wished he had died whenever that had been the time for him. Damn the doctor for turning him into such a filthy monster. It was so creepy, damnit. God knows how old he is. Ugh.  
And no heartbeat there, which was probably why her hand lingered on my heart after she made me take off my shirt. I couldn't kiss her again, knowing her heart was still with him. She thought of him while kissing me like this. It wasn't right. I had to stop it right there and then. So I went to sit on her bed, trying to cool down.

After that talk we slept the way we were, on her bed, she nested her head into my shoulder and I very much liked that. I sighed. I watched her sleep. She talked so much it was hard to sleep, myself. Mostly she just mumbled, incoherent things, a few times she said my name – which I liked very much. But she also said his name – which I hated. Eventually I fell asleep despite her mumbling.

I got up before her and went to prepare breakfast. I had no idea how she would respond to me now. Would she think I didn't want her?

GOD, damnit. Why did I have to be such a gentleman last night? I regretted it the instant she came down the stairs, one strap of her top hung over her arm, her hair was wild, and she smiled at me, a little rueful, I thought.

"Hey Bella!" I said, grinning. I tried to at least. I wanted to run over to her and continue where I stopped last night. I wouldn't have minded the sofa to be the venue... Nonono, think of something else, I told myself.

"Hey hey! Sleep well?" she asked, her voice still full of sleep.

"Better than ever – once I did sleep that is." I grinned, this time really.

She flushed pink around the cheeks. "I talked!" it wasn't a question. "What did I say?"

I laughed at the tormented expression in her eyes and decided to spare at least the Edward-part. "Oh, mostly I couldn't understand you. You did say my name, a little."

She flushed even more, not long and her head would be a bright crimson. I saw her staring at my bare chest and she flushed even worse. I felt a little smug, being a werewolf did have its good sites.

"Oh." Was all she said. I ginned even wider. It seemed that it hadn't been all about bad conscience last night. How relieving. It had been about me too.

"Here, I made breakfast." I said, distracting her, best I could.

"Thanx." She mumbled and sat down, silently eating. It strained her more than I thought.

After a rather silent breakfast she had to leave for work then and I went home to my empty house. It did feel funny without Billy there. So I went to work a little on my rabbit when Quil and Embry showed up.

They grinned at me: "Hey tiger!" Embry greeted me "Did you get her?"

I eyed him viciously and hurled a screwdriver at him.

"Oh come on!" Quil backed Embry up. "We'll know anyway."

Well, this was the bad side of the whole werewolf business. . Pity.

"No!" I said, briskly. "I turned her down." I looked at them sourly.

"You turned her down?" The asked, simultaneously, accentuating the 'you' and the 'her'. "You've been getting on our nerves with your little fantasies for ages now, Jake!" Quil added.

"Yeah, we thought this was the night." Embry said.

"Look, guys. She tried, okay. She did. It was unbelievably good, I swear. Better than any fantasy I've ever had. And you know them as well as I do... You do realize I'm telling you this only because you'd know anyway, right?"

They had been shooting each other funny looks while I was talking and quickly nodded.

I sighed exasperated. "Well, thing is, she still thinks about that bloodsucker too much for her own good. I don't want half of her. I want her whole. And I will get her whole. I just need more time. She does..."

I swayed to lighter topics, asking for advice for the rabbit. I didn't really need it, but they helped me anyway and we spent the rest of the afternoon working on it.

When Billy came home he gave me a too detailed account of the game, his room at the hotel, how Charlie tripped over a hotdog somebody had left on the floor. He seemed to have had enough fun, which I appreciated. Good thing that dad never got whiny about the wheelchair.

"And you, son?" he asked.

"Me?"

"Did you have a nice night?" he asked again, winking.

"DAD!" I said. Well, it had been him who had given me all the theoretical knowledge and I hadn't minded those talks back then, because they were still abstract.

He grinned widely at me, misinterpreting my reaction. "Dad, it's not like that. Bella and I are just friends."

"Yeah, and I'm Santa Claus." He answered, but otherwise let it go.

I wasn't sure if I should call Bella. I was still thinking about Friday night. I decided against it. She'd probably come over anyway. I went for a stroll on the beach.

What if she'd never be able to let go? Would the love she had for me, and I knew she loved me better than she did herself, be enough? Could I build my life with her, knowing she'd never be fully mine?

I wasn't so sure. It hurt. It had hurt when I felt her thoughts somewhere entirely different than where they should have been: On me. At least at that moment.

I have never been in love before, so there's no one I could mourn. I kicked a stone. That was the word. She mourned that damned bloodsucker. His heart was dead, cold as stone. And yet there she was, crying for him, even though he left her. Shoot!

That was when I saw someone sitting on one of the natural benches. I knew it wasn't Bella, but it was a girl anyway.

"Leah!" I said when I recognized her. She looked up at me, tears in her eyes.

"Go away, Jake." She said, wiping them away with her sleeve. I never did listen to what people told me. So I sat down next to her.

"Wanna talk?" I asked her.

She looked at me for a long moment and then the waterfall began: "Do you have any idea how bad it is for me to see Emily and Sam like this? They are so in love, it makes me sick. He doesn't even look at me anymore, and when he does there's only pity in his eyes. Like I need that. Have you noticed those little gestures, the way he'd put a strand of hair behind her ear, or like she would hold his hand, patting it. God damn it, Jake. I loved him. I love him. What should I do? Should I leave? This is my home here, and I don't wanna go, but I can't stand seeing them all the time."

I patted her hand. "I know what you mean." I said.

"Right." She muttered.

"No, I know." I said. "You see, I know every single one of Sam's thoughts and I know he still loves you. This imprinting thing is very strange. He never had a chance. It wasn't for him to decide. But I feel you, Leah. It's bad enough if the one you love loves someone else, but for them to be together like this. It must be unbearable." And this instant I was very glad that the bloodsucker had left.

"Don't you go protecting him, Jacob Black!" Leah said through gritted teeth. "And I don't understand you. Bella loves that bloodsucker so much, she's with the enemy."

"No she's not!" I very nearly shouted. "They are gone, she just needs time. I love her."

"You have a chance, a choice, Jake, not like Sam. And not like me." She started crying again. And because I wasn't really prepared for a situation like this all I could think of was putting my arm around her and try to comfort her.

"Hey Leah, it's gonna work out somehow." I said, trying to sound reassuring. I wished I could be sure, I did wish it'd work out for both of us.

It was in this moment when I smelled her. I turned around just in time to see her running away. "Bella! Wait!" I called.

She ran.

"Sorry." I muttered to Leah and sprinted after Bella. "Wait!" I called again. She did stop running, but she didn't turn around.

Ha-ha, cliffhanger.

Next chapter will be in Belles pov again.

She makes a decision there...

Thanx for the review! I'm glad you like my story!


	4. Chapter 5

Chapter 4

Oh what a disastrous week-end. Saturday, at work all I could think about was Jacob. Why oh why did I do that? So much for trying to not give him wrong ideas. Ha-ha. Worked out brilliantly. I know I loved Jacob, but I was in love with ... God, I can't even think his name, how can one single person be as terribly misguided as I was?

And I know it wasn't gonna be the same with Jacob. But why did he stop me? I mean, I was there, it was hot. I flushed at the memory. Luck was with me today; for Mike had some customers to deal with, so I was left behind the counter, free to blush. I know my thoughts did stray, a little, but it was just a memory. I can't avert memories. But why did I want Jacob like that? I think I knew the answer: I was scared that he might realize what I really was, broken, hollow and beyond hope and once that'd happen he'd take flight. I could understand that, but I was still very very much afraid of that happening. I wanted him to be around, for good, and I was willing to make that trade, give him what he wanted – my love, as much as I could, so he'd stay. It wasn't fair of me.

Mike was still hopeful, his blue eyes full of expectation, when he asked me what I was up to tonight. I really had no plans.

"Maybe, we could hang out?" he said. "As friends." He quickly added when he saw the look on my face.

"Mike, I'm not sure this is such a good idea." I tried to weasel myself out.

"Oh, come-on!" Mike pleaded with me. "We could go to Port Angeles; I know there's a new club there. I'm sure there'll be others we know. It's gonna be really cool, dance, have fun, forget your sorrows." He promoted. It did sound promising forgetting my sorrows for a while. Only dancing was nothing for me, and I wasn't a party-goer either.

"Oh Mike, you know I can't dance if my life depends on it, and all that noise... "I sighed. "I'm sure you'll find someone to go."

His face fell a little and he wasn't so talkative as before. Why did I keep on hurting people?

Charlie was still happy about the game, but he picked up that there was something wrong with me and he didn't push on telling me all the details. He, on the other hand, also didn't ask me about details on my Friday night. Thank god. Sometimes I was glad, that Charlie wasn't one for the big feelings.

So Saturday evening, again in my bed, I could still smell Jacob on my pillow. The smell comforted me. I fell asleep, and woke up bright and early Sunday morning.

I knew I could make it with Jacob. He would be, no he IS my sun, and he guides me through this darkest of all nights I'm having. I wanted to call him, but I really didn't know what to say. It still felt weird, after Friday, and I wondered what he thought of me now. I died to find out.

It took me until 2 pm to get all my guts in place and get into my truck to drive to La Push. Billy grinned at me when he greeted me and told me that Jake was at the beach. So I went there.

It didn't take me long to find him. And her. I knew her, only from seeing. She was Harry Clearwaters daughter. Leah I believe. That sat on OUR bench, his arm around her, like he would have it around me. She leaned into me, like I have done a thousand times before. So, I wasn't the reason, nor was my not-letting-go. It was him.

Leah probaly wasn't as whiney as I was, he didn't need to think over every word he used, so he didn't hurt her. Leah was pretty too. And she was younger than I was, a year younger than Jacob... How could I have been so blind? I turned to go.

"Bella! Wait!" I heared him call after me. I ran on. "Wait!" he called again.

I stopped, but I didn't dare turning around, hating the tears that streamed down my face. I wanted to be strong not weak like I was. I wanted to be able to tear him apart. How could he do this to me?

He turned me around, shock clearly on his face when he saw mine.  
"Bella!" he said again, whispering.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to disturb you." I affronted him.

"Bella, don't be ridicoulus. This isn't what it looks like." He spoke, calmly.

"No, it's okay Jacob. I get it. I'm fucked up and you've realized that. Now LET ME GO!" I yanked my arm away, the one he was holding. So here, my worst, well second-worst nightmare came true. The hurt hadn't yet set in. Only the anger.

"Jake, let her go!" I heared Leah say.

"Fuck off!" I shouted at her "This is godamn it none of you business here!"

She looked at me for a short moment. "Oh I'm sorry, you do make life easy for yourself. Get a grip, missy, you're just making everyone else's life so much harder with your selfish attitude. EVERYONE gets left now and then. Life goes on. Oh no, but not for you. No, you go around, staking claims, without any intention of giving youself. You're too busy being depressed. He's gone, it's time you start accepting that."

I stared at her, mouth open.

"Leah, please. Don't be like that." Jacob tried to calm her.

I couldn't say a thing, mainly because Leah hadn't said one word that was not true. I was a monster. One of the worst.

I turned around and ran to my truck. Jacob didn't try to stop me. I heared him argueing with Leah. I didn't wanna hear it, my tears streamed down my face and I felt like the whole world around me crumbled to pieces. I was miserable.

My truck crawled along the road, and I always checked the mirror, but no rabbit came. At home, I was glad that Charlie had gone fishing. I stomped up to my room. I was so angry. At Leah, for speaking the truth, at Jacob for realizing what I was, at Edward, because he left, at me, because I was only misrable.

Hang on.

Did I just say his name? Think it at least? I waited for the hole to tear open, but the pain in my chest was a very different kind right now. Angry, furious, sulfureous pain.

I hit an old box that stood on my desk, it fell down on the floor, crashing. I cought a glimpse of a golden ring that my mom had given me when I was eight. It was small, delicate and obviously tiny enough to fall through that floorboard. I groaned. Well, it would distract me if I tore out that floorboard now. I eyed it, it would definitly feel good. Charlie might have to fix it, but...

There I went. I riped, I pulled, I pushed, I even stomped on it and finally I was rewarded. But it wasn't my golden ring that was beneath the floorboard. There were a pile of things there, two presents, still wrapped and a stack of photos.

I stared at it, unbelieving. Could this be?

I knelt down and stared through the photos. The first was of him. I didn't dare thinking the name. The photo was bad enough. He was so beautiful, the way he smiled. A new flood of tears burst from my eyes. With shaking hands I moved through the photos. He and Charlie on the sofa, he and me, his arms formally around me, it looked so wrong. His face looked wrong. Like he didn't want to be where he was. Not long now and he'd destroy my life. I quickly went on. I found one present, nicely wrapped and tore it open. I laughed dryly. Of course no papercut today, when it wouldn't have mattered at all. It was a CD. A homemade one. I crawled to the radio and put it in. The first piece was familiar. He had played it for his mother, it was her favorite. Tears ran harder now, as I tried to not picture her lovely face. I hurried over to the last present. It was flat. I tore it open – still no papercut – and I had two vouchers for flights in my hands.

That was when realization it me.

I ran down to the phone. Called the airline, there was a flight from Seattle to Jacksonville shortly before midnight. I had to hurry if I wanted to catch it, but I booked anyway. I let the one voucher I didn't need lying next to the phone. I hurried back up, threw some clothes in a bag, not that I had many that very Jacksonville-able, threw the CD on top of the bag and ran back down to call Charlie. I told him that I was leaving, now.

But that I'd come back, I reassured him that I just needed some time.

"But what about school Bella?" he asked.

"I don't know, dad. But this is more important. I'll be back next week. Promise." I didn't wait for an answer, I just hung up and went to get my bag.


End file.
